i've long been scared n terrorized by the word cancer, it sends shivers down my spine just thinking about the prospect. maybi its cos i've seen the tramua of wad this deadly disease can do to ppl, to loved ones, have i always been frightened of that prospect ever since. n by looking at her on tv just now, i cant help but feel disturbed. i do feel saddened by the cruel fate of life nibbling away at the corners, with her on feeding tubes, thin to only skin n bones, and having had a wig to hide the bald scalp. i admit, though it pained mi, another part of mi feel all the more scared, as if im being pulled again to this fear tt i always have of terminal diseases. im scared for myself, scared for my loved ones. how would u react if u've known, at tt instance, u have had failing health, so much so tt its a terminal illness? wad would u do with the remaining time? how would u feel, with death looming nearer n nearer every day? they say, theres nothing to be scared of with death, it comes n goes. some sae they are not afraid of death. but i am. i guess im just another weak and exceptional being, scared with wad some deemed to be unimportant and useless to be worth fretting about.

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maybi im insane. but i remembered i've been telling my cousin how im so scared of the prospect of death...at a young age, i've been pondering but leaving myself fearing wad its like with one catching its final breath...i wondered how the body could take it at such high temperatures during cremation; would the souls been taken away so tt the dead wont feel any pain? i remembered mi leading n telling a cousin of mine my fear in a dark room, cos i was too afraid the relatives would hear, but i ended up being scolded by the adults for foolish thinking. it ended up tt my couisn were oso scared with my fears n leaked out to her parents. i remembered i was so terrified ever since that nightmare tt i was too afraid to utter a word out of it, but it actuali came true, n the events tt followed tt just seemed so blurry n unreal, even till now. i remembered them all, n i haben forgt them since then. maybi its those nightmares n that incident tt left a deep phobia within mi, tts y im frightened of the prospect of terminal illnesses, and the taboo subject of death ever since then.

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just todae, i clarified my mom abt having a full checkup. somehow i know theres a need if im reali scared; its like a form of reassurance and prevention. she seemed surprised at my random qns, n said its not quite neccessary at this age. maybi im ok, but wad abt her? wad abt dad? somehow, i can sense the reluctance in them having to go for check ups everytime we came to this topic. i knoe its just like taking a risk with the final report, its unnerving, tts y they n most of the adults dun like the idea of checkups. but the more they brush away saying its not neccessary, the more it worries mi.

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if only this could ease the uneaseness i've been feeling all this while.